The Lost Sheep

Luke 15 3-7
 3Then Jesus told them this parable:  4“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.


This passage really hit home for me recently. I never thought it would, because it was just another parable I learned about in Sunday School when I was growing up. This story may be surprising to some of you, but I feel that it is something many of us have gone through at some point in our lives.

College has been such a stressful, crazy, fun, and drastic changing point for me. I am coming up on two years at TWU, and one year living completely by myself. Throughout those two years I've already had multiple new experiences, a new love, new friends, new classes, and raw and destructive heartbreak. I've been able to explore my independence, make new memories, and truly experience adulthood. 

What I did not realize was the direction I started going. I stopped going to church, I stopped reading my Bible, and I stopped praying. Beyond that, I started cussing more, I started to lie more for people's benefit (or what I thought was their benefit), and I started to lose myself. 

I began having problems in my relationship with my boyfriend, with my friends, and with myself. My relationship with my boyfriend was my top priority. But we hit so many bumps, I started feeling more unhappy than happy in the relationship. All I could focus on was, "What do I need to do to fix this?" I wanted with all of my being to make it work no matter what. No matter how I was being treated, no matter if another person was involved, no matter how unhappy I was-I wanted to fix it. I loved this man. With my whole heart I loved him, and I didn't want to lose him. But I made him my idol. Not "celebrity" idol, but an idol in place of who really needed to be my one and only idol-God. I never gave it to God like I should have. I always thought, "I can fix this, we can work together, I can do it myself." Boy, was I wrong. I'm young and stupid like that.

After a while of no improvement, I was faced with a tough decision almost 3 months ago. After trying everything in my power to fix it, I had nothing left. That's when we both made a decision to end the relationship after over a year, but still remain friends. It's been tough just being friends. It was a total adjustment I haven't been able to handle. I've still loved him, which has made it difficult to move past the break up with how much time I still spent with him. I was working on it, but through all of it still hadn't found my way back into God's arms.

The hardest part for me after the breakup was being by myself. Not just being single, but not really having steady friendships alongside of living by myself. I don't have a job even after applying to about 30 different places. I don't have to go to the campus for classes because all of my classes are online (because Business classes). So, I'd just be sitting at home by myself for days. I started seeing my ex going out with all these "new" friends all the time and it made me hate my situation. I even tried social apps like Bumble just to try to make new friends, but nothing ever came from it. It really began taking its toll on me.

I started getting random thoughts like, "You should read your Bible, you have plenty of time," but I only did rarely. Nothing was helping me. 

Then, I found out my ex started trying to date someone else only 2 weeks after we broke up. I went to a local coffee bar one night I was told to try, and I saw him there with one of his friends and a girl I'd never seen sitting next to him. I found out this is the girl he has been pursuing. It hurt. A lot.

The days after that I started slipping into depression. I completely lost my self-worth, blamed myself for everything, couldn't sleep, and began having negative thoughts almost constantly. But I never told anyone. I couldn't burden them with it.

One night last week I had a breakdown. I was hysterical, sobbing for hours into the night. It put me in a very scary place. I started having suicidal thoughts, just wanting to get away from what I was feeling and experiencing. I wrote suicide notes to the closest people in my life, and for some dumb reason posted a picture of them where you couldn't read them on Snapchat and captioned it, "These are the hardest letters I've ever had to write." I then sent my ex (who has still been my friend) a message saying, "Love you. I'm sorry." After I sent it I blocked his number and removed him from all of my social media. I laid there contemplating what I was going to do. I then began thinking about my best friends, those who I don't get to see much, as well as my parents. The people that love me the most. I eventually fell asleep after a few more minutes of crying.

The next morning I was first woken up pretty early by some phone calls from one of my best friends. I didn't answer them. I was then woken up by some banging on my door. At first I ignored it because of how tired I felt. It kept happening though so I finally got up and opened the door to see my ex/my friend standing there. As I opened the door he stepped in, gave me a hug, and said, "Don't ever scare me like that again." I had no emotion. I kind of just stared at the floor and didn't say anything. After a few mumbles from me and him making sure I wasn't going to do anything dangerous, he left. 

I took the photo down from Snapchat. I started talking to my best friend who had called me, who was trying in all of her power to come to where I was so that I would have someone with me. I told her to wait until the weekend, so that she didn't have to worry about classes or work. I had no idea what would happen next.

The day after all that went down, I got a call from an employer, looking to give me an interview. This was a big deal considering I hadn't gotten an interview after about 30 applications. Then the weekend came, and my best friend came to see me. At one point we were just talking about the whole situation and began telling me about how God had been watching over me all week. She told me that at the beginning of the week, she noticed that she weirdly had this Saturday open. She usually doesn't due to work, and she said she remembers thinking, "Hmm that's weird. I'd like to go do something this weekend," but never made any plans. Our talk transformed into one that reminded me how much God was looking out for me, and how because of the random thought of my loved ones was the reason why I never made the decision to end my life. Even the job interview I never thought I'd get in some way showed me that God still has so much planned for me.

I was the lost sheep. And you know what? God came and found me, and He brought me back. I'm back y'all! I've never felt better. I feel like God has wanted me to use that experience to reach out to those who have been there, or even worse. Everyone's battle is different, whether it's depression, anxiety, self-worth, other people, and so much more. God has purpose for you, and He wants to embrace you in open arms full of grace, unrelenting love, and forgiveness. He wants your whole heart, and He'll take care of the rest.